My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
