After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
im six kinds of drunk right now
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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