You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
These tits shall not be calmed
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
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