so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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