Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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