omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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