there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
