My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
