When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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