the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
