and you said cock pushups were impossible
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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