At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Randomize
