i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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