my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
