Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
