Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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