i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
