I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
