just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
