if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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