he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
