Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
