If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
