Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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