What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
