Moan for me like Helen Keller
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
