I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
