I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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