Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
