today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
