it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
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