oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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