saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
