he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I just gargled with NyQuil
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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