I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
