Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
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