guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Randomize
