Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
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i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
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She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.