I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
