i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
These 25 People Had Very Inappropriate Sexual Relations(hips)
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night