I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
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