A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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