when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
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