she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
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