so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Randomize
