I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
