I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Randomize
