addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
