I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
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