Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
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