dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
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