"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
