Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
