Banned from zoo.
Again?
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
