I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
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