So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
