My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
