Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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